Revelations

• Increasing baby's solid food input from 1 jar to 2.5 jars also increases baby's output to 2.5x a day. And wowsie, it STINKS.


• If using a bottle, there are different NIPPLE SIZES for each age range. So, for newborns, there is size 0 or 1. For 6 months and up, there is size 3 or 4. DID NOT KNOW THAT. Continued feeding baby with size 1 nipple at age 6 months and wondered why he got so tired and took so long consuming milk. Changed nipple size and lo and behold. Choked the first time but got used to it...now consuming milk in half the time. Saves me more time to spend on not so fun stuff.


• Spending all day with baby, cleaning and cooking in between, with evenings full of studies or relaxing at the tube = No time for blogging. No time for commenting on wonderful blogs.


• No rice and no white bread, cleaning house, cooking, and getting up repeatedly to take wire/poison out of baby's mouth result in slow but steady weight loss.


• When baby screams at top of its lungs in a fit of happiness, do not scream at the top of your lungs back in a gesture of shared happiness. This results in baby frowning in shock and ultimately bursting into heart-breaking tears.


• Spending all day with baby results in only being able to discuss baby. When friends or relatives call, discuss baby's latest universally amazing accomplishment in great detail. Gloss over the discussion of studies or career by redirecting to topic of cooking or how to remove stains from laundry.


• Forget toys, give baby the daily junk mail of coupons/newsletters/empty envelopes to tear up and lick. Keeps the kid interested for 30 minutes, until you hear a scream that says he has thrown all the paper out of reach and is in an odd half split leg position that he cannot get out of.


• Do NOT leave baby on a counter top alone after they reach 6 months. Even if they are in a safety seat with buckles, or especially in a bumbo chair, and you are leaving for just a minute. LOVED the bumbo chair until now, when little Houdini can escape and topple off said counter tops. Also can climb out of swings and jump out of crib if the wall is down. Yes we are bad parents....But that is another story. My only excuse is that we are dumb.


• If baby is screaming while you are putting away laundry that has been sitting there for too long, insert baby in laundry basket and pretend that it is a little car as we drive to all the closets and dressers to put the clothes away.


• Have different toys for different areas of the house. For example, while changing have only a couple of teething rings, and in the bathtub only rubber duckies. Keep variety so that baby is newly fascinated and keeps himself occupied while you do XYZ.


• Naps are God's gift to parents.


• After 6 months, it may be time to get re-sized for undergarments and jeans. Wearing maternity pants and other stretchy items is no longer excusable.


• Concealer is a new Mom's best friend. Before leaving home for random errand, insert baby in bumbo chair (on the floor) hand baby random item to play with, shower while singing funny songs and playing peek-a-boo with shower curtain. Get dressed. Deoderant application. Apply face cream, apply concealer to zombie under eye patches. Blend, add chapstick to lips. Done. (Optional: If husband is at home or baby is in a coma type sleep, apply powder to t-zone, bronzer, mascara, comb out hair and blow dry).


• Pregnancy, weight gain, and whatever other causes of nature often result in loss of balance. Case in point: While attending Bikram Yoga class, look utterly ridiculous while attempting tree asaan (pose), locust asaan, and any pose that requires standing on one foot.


• Am extremely jealous of people with maids. Discussing with someone in India - So how was your day? She says she cooked today. Nothing else. Floors mopped by maid, dough kneeded by maid, laundry/house cleaned via maid help. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Definition of revelation: disclosure: the speech act of making something evident
an enlightening or astonishing disclosure
communication of knowledge to man by a divine or supernatural agency